Starve the Ego Feed the Soul
Starve the Ego Feed the Soul
Fostering Connection Through Compassionate Listening
Use code BEHEALED on both of these websites https://signalrelief.com/ and https://meetjovi.com/
And to donate to me finding a surgeon that will help me go here: https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-nico-barraza-soar-after-five-surgeries
The podcast episode explores the fundamental skill of listening during emotionally charged moments and the barriers that prevent effective communication in relationships. Through personal anecdotes, I discuss the necessity of empathy, the true nature of apologies, and the importance of setting boundaries while remaining open-hearted.
• Urging listeners to listen actively, even when triggered
• Discussing the significance of true apologies and accountability
• Highlighting emotional labor within relationships
• Sharing personal stories of compassion and connection
• Addressing the internal battles of mental health and societal pressures
• Encouraging self-awareness and community ties
• Emphasizing the power of showing up for one another in times of need
Warmly,
Nico Barraza
@FeedTheSoulNB
www.nicobarraza.com
What up y'all? This episode is brought to you by meetjovicom and signalreliefcom Both of these companies they're the same one. One makes patches for women, the other makes patches for athletes and active individuals and people suffering from chronic pain, arthritis, fibromyalgia, things like that. So I was introduced to these patches in Sedona, arizona, about five years ago now, by my good friend, dr Beth Dupree, who has been a guest on this show and, of course, with all my shoulder surgeries. She gave a couple of these patches to me because she's a representative and on the medical advising board for this company, this startup, and it's incredible tech. Honestly, it's certainly not going to heal your chronic pain, but it can treat so many things. It can help you live a better day-to-day quality of life, more healthy day-to-day quality of life, more healthy day-to-day quality of life and, as you know, if you suffer from any sort of extreme pain, chronic pain, it can take your presence and your joy and it can make it impossible to thrive in day-to-day life, and so I highly recommend trying out one of these patches. It's easy to. There's so much shit we're sold on the internet these days and it's hard to find stuff that actually works. You get these creams, these potions and lotions, all these things. This stuff legitimately works. Use code BEHEALED B-E-H-E-A-L-E-D for 20% off your order. I get a little kickback, obviously, on the show, but try this stuff out. I know it's going to make a difference in your life if you've suffered from chronic pain and if not, you can always. I think you have a 30-day trial period from the company, so make sure to reach out to them If you want to know more. You can go to their websites, meetjovicom or signalreliefcom as well, too, to learn more about both of these companies. Again, they're sister and brother companies, so you can use the code BEHEALED on both of them and, yeah, we get a little kickback at the show and you help support Starve the Ego, feed the soul and myself and you get to. You know, try some new tech, some some nanotechnology. That is a pretty phenomenal. I will say you don't have to take ibuprofen, nsaids, all these other things. Don't take painkillers. Try this stuff. It definitely is phenomenal. You can also use your FSA or HSA to purchase these patches as well too. So go check out signalreliefcom or meetjobecom and use code BEHEALED. All right, guys.
Speaker 1:Sorry, I had to pop open one of my favorite athletic Bruco non-alcoholic beers. I just sort of swallowed my words there. Non-alcoholic beers. I still drink alcohol very occasionally though, but I've drank athletic Bruco for five or four years now.
Speaker 1:I've really haven't drank a ton of alcohol in the past three or four years, and just after I got put in this chronic pain position after that first surgery, I really realized how alcohol was. Just, I never really drank that much to begin with, but I realized how it was negatively affecting my inflammation, my body and my sleep. And you know, when I'm still I feel super healthy and super young still, even at 35, with all. I've taken care of my body as an athlete my whole life. But, um, being put in this position in chronic pain, like, uh, it's crazy how sensitive I am to so many things now and it can just cause my next day to I really pay for it, um, and I suffer even more. And so I've been, you know, really aware of that and I really try to limit my actual alcohol exposure or sugar processed foods, anything like that. Um, I just started treating my body as kind as possible while still living my life and, um, you know, still trying to trying to have some joy.
Speaker 1:I still love cookies, obviously. Who fresh baked chocolate chip cookies. Come at me with those shits. Those are, those are. That's the weakness right there. Um, I'm a. I like ice cream too, but man, fresh baked chocolate chip cookies, if you know what's up, you know what's up. So I want to talk about I always say that it's funny, I wanted to talk about it. It's like today I should just start up with a different way to intro a solo show. But this has been on my mind a lot lately as I navigate my own interpersonal friendships and relationships and family dynamics and everything.
Speaker 1:And this idea of listening, particularly when we're triggered or we don't feel like we feel the other person's wrong, or maybe like they're saying something that makes us feel like we're less than or that we're not showing up, or maybe we feel like we're not a good person, maybe we feel like we're not being appreciated fully. I think it's hard for us as human beings to take criticism after we've been hurt and legitimately trust the other person isn't trying to hurt us with the criticism, but really they're hurting. They need us, us with the criticism, but really like they're hurting. They need us, they need us to show up. You know that what they're saying is like I need to be seen, heard, cared for, stuck up, for I need you in my corner right.
Speaker 1:I think it gets harder for couples and relationships, even friendships, when we've hurt each other. You know, like there's coal in the fire. You friendships, when we've hurt each other, there's coal in the fire. We've stoked some anger, we've stoked some resentment, we've stoked some pain and we've done this over and over again, and that's natural in human relationships. We're going to hurt each other, we're going to do things that are unfair. We're going to do things that we're probably going to be dishonest from time to time. Hopefully not, but we do it. It's a human thing.
Speaker 1:However, when we apologize, and when we agree that we're apologizing, we try to repair. We have to give each other grace. To go back to some area of square one where it's like hey, if someone says something to me, where it's like I really need you to show up for me. Like this, I'm suffering, I need your help, I need you to show up for me. I'm in a position that I really need you right now. If you love a person, you got to show up. Guys, you have to show up. We cannot continue to hold on to resentment and still feel like we're being a friend or a partner or a lover or a spouse or whatever you want to call it.
Speaker 1:I think we put way too much emphasis on labels these days. We put way too much emphasis on appearance, on societal appearance, on what you're posting on social media and what you're showing to the world. That shit doesn't fucking matter, guys, it just doesn't. It's just not real. People that act like they have these perfect, healthy relationships on social media Instagram, tiktok, whatever they don't and I'm not saying they don't have good relationships, but everyone has problems, right, and to a lesser degree and a higher degree depending on the relationship, for sure, but there's so many folks that just show.
Speaker 1:Or the other thing that's just crazy to me is when someone's filming themselves crying on social media, especially if they're in mental health and they're just like. I don't get that. It's like you plan that. You plan to cry in front of the camera. Not that I'm completely against crying or showing emotion, I'm not. You know that. I'm a counselor, I'm a coach. That makes sense. Let's sit in our discomfort, let's show that emotion. But there's some disingenuine. It just feels like shit when I see that and I'm like this person just set up their camera like all right, I'm going to have an emotional moment and just start crying. Some people feel bad or feel like I'm more real than I am. It's just, there's just. I don't know. And you know when someone's for real feeling it, versus when someone's fucking bullshitting. They're just selling an image, they're just selling emotion. They're using emotion to captivate, to manipulate, to get more likes, to get more comments, to whatever the fuck it is.
Speaker 1:I'm also trying to cuss less. So hold me accountable out there, guys. I realize that cussing I'm not against it. Really it emphasizes things, but it also puts me in a negative mindset which I know everyone can relate to. I don't want to get off on too many tangents here, but I'm trying to cuss less because I realize it does affect my mindset and I'm trying to be more positive, particularly with living in chronic pain and suffering so much every day and not being able to do the things I want to do physically because of what happened. Really, I'm trying to focus on building as positive of a mental, spiritual, psychological, emotional environment as I can, because physically I used to have all these outlets where I did that and I'm like oh man, I could be an athlete, I could use my body to really express myself, to connect with others. And now it's just, it's really hard because my arm has been wrecked by people that are professionals, so I'm trying to cuss less because of that. All right, backtrack to what I was saying.
Speaker 1:So when someone we love, when someone we care about, whether they've hurt us or not, particularly if they've already apologized and owned shit in the past, right, if they come to us and they're like I know you feel like you're showing up for me, I know you feel like you've sacrificed a lot, but it doesn't feel that way to me. This is what I'm feeling. We have two options in those moments. We can either shut down and become cold, become standoffish and distant and that's usually what happens, honestly or we can lean into what they're saying, we can listen. Now people often ask me and I've experienced this in my own personal life it's like well, what do you do if both people are saying those things?
Speaker 1:Well, at some point we have to meet in the middle ground. We can't just keep saying well, you're not listening to me, you're not listening to me, and there's this tit for tat dynamic where nothing changes and it's just two little babies, two little inner childs just wrecking their own shit at each other. And at some point we need to be really honest about our situation and the other person's situation and understand like, okay, what's really going on right now? Right, and is what I'm asking for completely unreasonable? Am I being unreasonable? Am I putting myself first? Am I trying to prioritize myself when this other person is clearly suffering more than me, clearly in a worse position, clearly needs help, right? If they were in my shoes, they would do the same thing for me.
Speaker 1:We have to start thinking about that and that's what empathy is right, and we're not always going to get it right all the time. Sometimes we're just not going to be empathic. We're not going to be empathetic. Sometimes we just we're imperfect beings. That's the beauty of being a human. The beauty of being able to thrive means you're able to not and able to fail and hopefully able to get back up again. Fail and hopefully able to get back up again.
Speaker 1:And also, even though I'm suffering every day and I'm in pain, like I do, try to like be grateful for what is in my life, and let me tell you there hasn't been much recently. Like I don't have support from family. You know I have two family members that are left in my family. You know I talk about my grandfather a lot. You know severe mental health issues. I've been on my own for a while now. That's really what's pushed me into an industry like counseling, coaching and working with people that are grieving and working with grief and working with relationships. People are trying to stay together and trying to just get better at loving, get better at relationships, get better at friendships, because I didn't come from people that were working on themselves. I came from people that are, like, really much in denial. You know they have personality disorders that are denying their culpability, that are denying their enabling, that are. You know that just it's not changing Right.
Speaker 1:And so, as someone that like wants to still be a parent hopefully at some point if I'm blessed with that I don't want to be that kind of parent. I don't want to be a parent that's not accountable. I'm going to be a parent that makes mistakes because I'm imperfect, like I said, just like everybody, but I do not want to be a parent that's like on this high horse, that can never admit wrong, that just has no. That also can't take criticism when someone's like you know what you're parenting. That's not okay, that's not healthy, right? What you you're doing is you're enabling your kids, you're babying your kids or you're not really showing them reality. I'm going to love again if I'm able to have kids, if I'm able to have blessed with that. I want to love my kids unconditionally. I want them to feel safe and stable, but I also want them to know reality. I want to prepare them for life without me. I want to prepare them to be on their own, to be financially independent, to be spiritually, to be financially independent, to be spiritually, emotionally, mentally, just physically stable on their own, where they can pick their partners, where they can pick their own family, where they can build that for themselves.
Speaker 1:I wasn't really taught those things when I was younger. I came from a big, solid, lower middle-class family. That taught me a lot of good things, honestly, but there's a lot of things that just weren't communicated and that's common for many of us and I think because of that, looking back, I wasn't taught how to be accountable for things and I didn't really get into a relationship until I was 22 years old very much a late bloomer in the relational phase, and most people get relationships in their high school. I had some fun in high school but I didn't have an actual relationship and I realized not that you're guaranteed just because you're in a relationship to learn. But I realized as I got older I'm like man you learn in the context of relationships, right? Only if you practice some self-awareness.
Speaker 1:Maybe take yourself to therapy, counseling, coaching, and not just like victimize yourself and say the other person was a narcissist or a shitty human being who did this. And that doesn't mean the other person isn't a shitty human being, doesn't do shitty things. But, like, the only person you can control and I've said this over and over again, many people do is yourself. And so, with that in mind, if the only person you can control and be accountable for is yourself, that's where you have to focus your energy. So many people come into a counseling or therapy room after a breakup and they just want to wail on another person. All well and good. Let's hold space. Let's honor your feelings, right. Let's honor where you're at right now.
Speaker 1:But at the end of the day, if you keep doing that, ain't shit going to change? Nothing is going to change. That person is not even in your life. Even if they are still in your life. They're probably not going to change, because if they were going to change, they would probably change a while ago. And same with you. You're probably not going to change unless you let go of that narrative, unless you're like hey, you know what? It's time to focus on me.
Speaker 1:And I can tell you the majority of clients that come work with me they've been through therapy, they've been through counseling, they've been through all this shit. And they come to me and one of the things they say is they're like I've been in therapy, let's say, five, eight years and nothing's changed. Literally, the therapist holds space for me and I feel better. Then I go out and I keep finding myself in these same relationships. And they come to me and they're like Nico, I want to stop making excuses. I want to change my behavior. I want to have better relationships. I'm like cool, let's get to work, let's start being real about this stuff. Let's get down to that it's not just the other person's responsibility or fault, that you also hold a bunch of accountability and responsibility. Let's find that. Let's not just use it to hurt yourself and shit on yourself. Let's use it to be better. And I think that's the athlete mindset.
Speaker 1:It's not so much about the negative self-talk of like, oh, I did something really mean, or I was violent with someone, I was hurt someone, or I was angry with someone, I said some shitty things. Yes, like it's good to feel a little bad for that, so you don't do it again. It's called freaking, having compassion, empathy and not being completely detached from hurting somebody. But the goal isn't to like keep poking yourself with those little things's, like be accountable and then catch yourself in those triggers and change it. But also realize that some people are going to keep trying to trigger you and keep putting you in those positions and you can't be around people like that. You cannot. Even if you love someone, even if you really, really love them with your whole heart, if they're a person that's going to keep triggering you, that's going to keep bringing out the worst sides of you, it's just not a healthy person for you to be around, no matter how much you love them.
Speaker 1:And that's a really hard truth for so many of us to grapple with, to wrestle with, I know, particularly speaking myself. Absolutely it's really hard because you feel like you're abandoning it, you're abandoning something you really care about. But if you've tried a ton, if you try to communicate. If you've tried to, it's just sometimes it just doesn't work. Guys, and you all know like I'm fully supporting of love, relationships, friendships, like try it. A lot of us give up too early and we just pull like pull the rug out from someone and we're just we cut them off and we're out, and I disagree with that too.
Speaker 1:But I think it takes a certain level of self-work and self-knowledge, self-wisdom, however you want to describe it, to get to a point where you can be relentlessly honest about what you've put into a situation, what someone else has put into a situation or relationship. We should say and I use a relationship to encompass all the things, whether it's marriage, whether it's dating, whether it's a romantic relationship, whether it's a friendship, family, dynamic, whatever Relationships that's what we're here for, that's why the human being exists is relationships. That's the most important currency you're ever going to have in your life is relationships. And so, with that being said, if you put a ton of effort into a relationship or a friendship and it's just sucking the energy out of you, it's not providing you with what you desire. Take a step back and really ask yourself this question Am I being unfair in what I'm asking or is this person just not hearing me and they're just not able to hear me because of whatever, something I did or something they did or something we did?
Speaker 1:You know, some people just completely shut off after they've been in trauma and they just can't hear, they can't see, because they have so much pain or anger or whatever, or you've reopened a wound that they experienced in a, in a, in a past life or or sometime past in their life, in their life, and you're not responsible for what they experience. You also have to be honest with, like, if you own your shit and this other person still is not meeting you where you want to be met, where you're asking you met, it just might not be, it just might not be the healthiest thing for either of you, right? You also want the other person to be happy and healthy and sometimes we get in these trauma bond dynamics where, like, we just can't let go. It's just like again, it's just this push and pull like avoidant. You know it's like avoidant attachment and then anxious attachment and then fearful attachment, and just back and forth, back and forth. Avoidant attachment and then anxious attachment and then fearful attachment, and just back and forth, back and forth, and that's what a trauma bond is right and all of us can be secure.
Speaker 1:Guys, I don't give a shit what someone says, I don't care how much childhood trauma you have or what you've been through. You can absolutely be in a secure, loving relationship. But you got to be secure hearing no, you got to be secure hearing someone else's truth. You got to be secure being able to not be chosen by somebody because that doesn't reflect your self-worth. It's just someone being honest with you about where they are, what they're looking for. You got to be able to still love somebody also.
Speaker 1:Love is not a conditional thing. It's not a choice. You don't choose to love somebody. You either love them or you don't. Now you can choose to be in a relationship with somebody, but if you love somebody and they need you, then show up for them. Show up for them If they need your help. If they need you, show up for them. Stop hiding, stop making excuses. Now, if you're being taken advantage of like legitimately taken advantage of, that's a whole nother story and ultimately you're the only one that can decipher that and you have to figure out where your limit is right. But I think a lot of us and some of us absolutely are being taken advantage of and there are selfish people out there, but some people just need help. They need someone to show up for them. They don't have that you know.
Speaker 1:I know, particularly from my own childhood experiences like I don't have anybody. I'm happy to say I have a lot of close friends that are like family now, but a lot of them have their own, their own families, their own kids, right, and I I can't like I don't want to bother them too much because they have their own people they're showing up for and, unfortunately for me, I didn't have a father growing up. I was just born into my mom's side of the family and the one person that supported me a lot was there for me, which was my grandfather. He passed away in 2012, when I was a senior in college, and so I've really been alone since I was 18. Oh well, 22 is when he passed away, but when I went to college and I moved to California to go to undergrad, it's kind of when I've been alone.
Speaker 1:Since then, and particularly when he passed away, the support and the dynamics of support that I had really changed and he was the one person that I really needed to learn about relationships from, learn about love from, and he taught me a lot, but I really, again, I didn't get in a relationship until he was gone, till after he left. That was my first time to really grieve, outside of a few high school friends that I lost who were in the military. That was like the first time I actually grieved when I lost someone that was close to me before he passed away. But then what I was left over with is the two women that helped raise me, which is my grandmother and my mom, and I can speak candidly about this because they've given a lot and they've done a lot based on what their capacity is.
Speaker 1:But both of them are really unhealthy individuals, too, you know, that suffer from different variations of personality disorders, that struggle with being accountable, that struggle with admitting the wrong, that struggle with apologizing, saying I'm sorry, meaning that struggle with changing behavior, behaviors. And I don't want to be like that. I don't want to be a person like that, and so I had to set very healthy boundaries. You know, I can't be around that at all. I wish I could, but I can't because it's just not healthy for me. I don't feel loved, I don't feel safe, I don't feel secure in that environment and nothing I'm going to do is going to change that environment because they're not going to meet me where I want to be met, and so, instead of like trying to force them to change or being angry all the time, I just choose just not to interact because it's just not healthy for me.
Speaker 1:Now you might have a family that's the opposite or different, and that's wonderful. It's great for you, but don't assume that everyone can just make things work with their family, and that's why I'm such a proponent of, if you don't have that ability with your own family, start to build your own family with people right. Go out there and make friendships and start with friendships over relationships. Like, build a community that actually cares about you. Show up for them too.
Speaker 1:Part of being a family member isn't just about you being shown up for. It's about you showing up for somebody else too, and now I can attest that's particularly hard when you're in chronic pain, when you're suffering financially because you've gone into debt from spending money on five different surgeries because of this shitty ass system. So there's some certain circumstances where it's really hard to show up for other people, and I never really understood that until I was put in this position as someone who's always tried to be financially and fiscally responsible and always been very healthy. Now it's way different for me and so my capacity outside of work to actually support and show up for someone it's very much diminished and that's why I've been crawling and fighting my way to different surgeons to try to get someone to remove this stuff in hopes that I would feel better or will feel better so I can just feel like myself again, where I feel like I had an endless amount of ability to show up for others.
Speaker 1:But now it's hard to even focus sometimes because of the discomfort I'm in. I mean, if you come into clinic with me, you can see me. I'm touching my shoulder all the time and again, I'm giving my full, wholehearted presence to every client that I work with. But people notice They'll see me touching my shoulder and it's just. It's something that I do all the time. I'm adjusting my neck, I'm moving my shoulder because that's how much discomfort I'm in all the time and discomfort that's too benign of a word. It fucking sucks. My arm hurts a lot. Guys, I can't do 90% of the things I want to be doing physically.
Speaker 1:My mid-30s, the prime of my life, from 30 to 35, I've been dealing with this. So just understand that some people do want to show up for you in the ways that you want, and maybe they can't, you know, because things that are going on in their life or in their body or in their mind. I think it's a lot easier to get over emotional things than it is. Physical pain, for instance, like if you go through a breakup and your heart's broken, I get it. We. Physical pain, for instance, if you go through a breakup and your heart's broken, I get it. We're all going to be there, right? Sometimes some of us feel very suicidal at that time. That's quite normal and we feel like the world's ending and we hit ourselves or hit the other person Completely normal. But that's nothing like being in severe physical, chronic pain.
Speaker 1:Imagine being trapped in a jail cell in your own body and then you're in a medical system in the US that you go into debt deeply and you go to these professionals that literally keep cutting your body open and making excuses and punting you off to another surgeon and another surgeon and you're literally screaming and crying and reaching out for help. Please somebody listen to what I'm saying and nobody's listening and you're completely alone, completely fighting this battle yourself. That's a whole nother fucking, a whole nother universe stratosphere of you know having to to deal with shit. So, again, I'm always going on tangents, but you guys know how this works. I'm going to take a sip of this, this athletic Bruco, real quick. You guys know how this works. Right, it's just me out here talking.
Speaker 1:So back to the initial point is just as hard as it is to listen when you're triggered, practice it. Practice it more than you, meditate, more than you do yoga more than you. You know whatever dude that you think is like going to make you more balanced. And yoga is great, meditation is great, but like this level of self-awareness. This is what more people need to do, like in every spectrum of life in business, in personal relationships, in the political stratosphere. Practice listening when you disagree and particularly listening when you're triggered and pissed. It's hard. That's something we all need to get better at.
Speaker 1:And just because you're hurt with somebody and angry with them does not give you the right to not listen to their criticisms or to not hear what they're really saying. Really read their words, really listen to what they're saying. Maybe in your mind you're hearing an attack, but maybe what they're saying is like I don't feel like you're here for me and I really need your help. I really need you to be here for me. You know, sometimes we don't, we don't hear what's actually being said because we got our own shit in our head right, blocking the, blocking, the connection to our metaphorical heart, and that is something that each and every one of us does. And I believe that the more self-aware you are, the better you are not letting that happen. And, of course, someone could call me a hypocrite, because I've done the exact opposite in my own life and I have done the opposite. But I'm sitting here in front of all you, talking to all you, wherever you are, all over the world. We have people all over the world listening to this show. Again, thank you so much for being here. I'm blessed to have your guys' ears and your hearts as you sit with me.
Speaker 1:I guarantee you I am a man that's always tried to better myself, particularly as I've aged, as I've learned more. I've spoken about many mistakes I've made on this show, either in relationships or in all different aspects of life, and I think that's why people gravitate towards the show. And gravitate towards me is because I stand in front of all you, a human being, a human being that believes that we have the ability to get better together, that we don't heal separate from each other. All of our trauma involves another human being. If a human being is just born alone, never sees another human being, well, they don't have trauma from other humans. Therefore, trauma always has to involve another human being on some level or another group of human beings. And so we have to do a lot of interpersonal work. Solo, yes, but really you know able to heal In order to heal, we have to heal in the context of relationships, of how we relate to others, of how we relate to ourselves, and until we're really honest about the shit we're doing, we can't do that.
Speaker 1:And with a caveat sometimes we try to act like we're doing more bad things than we actually are because it's a way we want to self-punish or self-sabotage, and we do that a lot. Let me really make a point here is that a lot of times we will say oh, it's all me, it's me, it's not, it's never, usually all one person. It's not about absolutes, it's about just owning what's yours to own. Someone can be doing something wrong and you're still owning your own shit. It's not like time to like all right. This person is showing vulnerability. Let's get the stakes out and really hammer it home. Yeah, you did do that. Yeah, you did really make me feel bad. Yeah, you are a shitty person. It's not about that. It's about thank you for acknowledging that, thank you for apologizing.
Speaker 1:But also, when you apologize or acknowledge something you did wrong, be specific. Do not throw a blanket apology like I'm sorry, you feel angry, I'm sorry you feel I wasn't there. No, no, acknowledge what the person's saying. Be specific when you're apologizing. Be specific about what you said, about what you did, about how it made someone feel. Particularly, if you agree with that, don't apologize for something you don't think you did wrong.
Speaker 1:A lot of times, especially in our culture today, we're so overly sensitive. We think everyone should apologize to us all the time, 24-7. That's not reality. That's being a little baby, that's being very entitled. But practicing true empathy and actual self-awareness. When you know you've done something wrong, when you know you hurt someone's feelings, when you know you've done something, that's like I need to own this shit, apologize for it specifically. Get down to the nitty-gritty. Own every detail, own every aspect. Let that person be seen and heard. Right. That is how we actually apologize and, as someone who's receiving the apology, if you are, don't double down and freaking slice that person again. Sit there and understand that someone is trying to own their shit that they hurt you with. Try your best to accept it, while also listening to your own stuff to own your own criticisms. Right.
Speaker 1:It cannot exist in a silo where we're just on okay, I'm receiving the apology and so, okay, then we can't focus on me because it's just now. It's my turn to feel valid. It's like no, we should both feel that way, right? We should, we really should. It's hard. It takes a lot of awareness to do that. I'm not speaking on something that's impossible, though this isn't some like um utopia I think has to exist. It just takes two people that are like hey, I love you, you love me. Let's fucking own this shit, man, even if we don't end up together, let's like own this shit. I want to be a good person. I want you to feel like you're loved, whether you end up with somebody else or end up with me, like I want you to feel like I'm in your corner At the end of the day.
Speaker 1:Marriage, this relational shit, it's just not the most important thing in life, guys. The most important thing is how you're showing up for people. You might be married right now and then 20 years you get divorced and hopefully, if you've had a healthy relationship, maybe you fall in love, maybe it's just not working anymore. Hopefully you can still love that person, respect them and still wish them joy and still be an asset in their life, and vice versa. So many of us just throw these things away, right, it's just like we get so pissed off or hurt. Well, this person's not with me anymore, so therefore they're not worth anything in my life. It's got to be kidding me. Put a ton of time and effort into things. It's so much more than that.
Speaker 1:We've been sold these lies that marriage is sort of the pinnacle of connection. It's just not. Connection is built because of human beings, not because of some piece of paper or some set of vows that we say. It's built on day-to-day putting in the freaking work. Man, some people have incredible beautiful friendships or relationships and they never got married. Now, I'm not against marriage. I think it's a beautiful thing. I'm not against monogamous relationships as a monogamous person.
Speaker 1:But we put these huge expectations like this is the epitome of connection. It's just not. It's not how you behave and what you do and how you build shit, how you recover, how you repair differences, how you apologize, how you behave in accountable ways, how you practice responsibility for your words, behaviors and actions, or how they make other people's feel for, how you show up for someone, not just financially, but physically, emotionally, intellectually, with your energy, with putting in the work to show up for somebody right To be there for them on both sides, somebody right To be there for them on both sides. Like that is how we build healthy relationships. It's not some fucking piece of paper that we sign, so a couple of vows we read on a good day. No, it's a day-to-day process for everything, for everyone we're around, even our relationship with our animals, with our dogs, with our cats, with everybody. That's what it is.
Speaker 1:You got to put in that work every day, even when you're feeling like shit, and particularly if you're feeling like, if you're in a state like I am, when you're in chronic pain, like I have to work double time every day just to like be present, just to like my arm hurts, my shoulders popping and clicking and getting stuck in a certain space and I keep snapping and cracking and just hurting all the time. And I still, like, want to show up for people, I want to work, I want to be in clinic, I want to talk about relationships, I want to talk about love, I want to talk about grief, I want to help people who are suffering, because people have been there for me and it's kept me alive, it's kept me here. You know, it's made a huge difference in my life, um, and sometimes I've been alone, sometimes I've felt completely alone, where people have let me down. People haven't shown up and I don't want to be that person for anybody.
Speaker 1:I think one thing that I really pride myself on is that people will say that if someone calls and they're in a situation where they really need someone, I'll fucking answer the phone, I will answer the email, I will be there for them, because I know what it's like to be completely alone and feel so alone that you have nobody to turn to and that you feel a sense of disattachment from reality, because you feel like nobody cares, like nobody really. Like people might say, oh, I love you, you know, I care, but they're not there when you need them to be there right, or maybe they prioritize other things, like kids or family, in front of you, and they have to because they have their own. So I feel like when you really know what it's like to be completely alone not just feel like you're alone, but be alone where you can't rely on anybody at all then usually I would hope you have compassion, empathy, where you're like, answer the phone, put your ego aside, right, give the person some time, keep them alive, be there for them. You know it's okay. Man, at the end of the day, like we are all little pieces of legitimate, the same molecules that the stars are made out of, that are in the stratosphere, atmosphere, in space, and we are these little things with this like energy inside of us that's our consciousness, and this like brain that's running our body, that's powered by something that science cannot quantify on this giant rock ball made out of these crazy materials, with a magnet in the middle, orbiting around this giant ball of fire in the middle of absolutely nowhere. Now we can make, we can talk about religion, whatever you want to talk about, whatever you want to make up, that's out there.
Speaker 1:It's futile at this moment because when you really think about that stuff. Not that I'm against spirituality or religion I'm not but when you think about that, you just zoom out and you're like no matter. I'm suffering, I'm in pain, this shit sucks, but like I'm still going to do my best to show up, cause that's all. We got one shot at this thing. No one knows for sure whether there's an afterlife or whether there's reincarnation or heaven or hell. Whatever it's just like right now is what matters? Right now, this very moment. This is what matters every nanosecond. Make it count. Make it count.
Speaker 1:Don't let your ego get in the way. The ego is important, but starve that fucking thing, dude. You got to feed that soul. You have to. That's the name of this show. You got to feed the soul. You have to.
Speaker 1:And feeding that soul is putting your ego aside and being like I'm not going to let my pain, my anger, my resentment. I got to show up, man. I got to open up my heart. I got to be loving, got to, got to.
Speaker 1:And that doesn't mean you got to be around unhealthy people. Doesn't mean you have to accept unhealthy treatment. Doesn't mean you have to accept someone not showing up for you. Doesn't mean you have to be around family members that are not healthy for you. You can love them from a distance. You can still create healthy boundaries or even full separations if you need to 100%. It doesn't mean you're not a caring person. Sometimes we need to do that with people, absolutely. But if someone's trying like, if they're trying like, try to meet them, try to be there. We can't force something that isn't but a lot of us.
Speaker 1:Our ego is getting in the way. Our own self-infatuation, our own sort of self-prioritization gets in the way. There's a lot of this like self-love talk out there. Yes, obviously we have to love ourselves. Guys, we have to show up for ourselves. But there's a lot of like oh, I got to self-care and I focus on myself. I'm like dude. Human beings are about. We're about giving. Get better at fucking giving. Stop being such a selfish asshole. Get better at giving. Give to more people. Show up for more people. You'll feel better about yourself. Really, stop spending so much money on freaking some nice ass house or nice cars, all this other shit you need to pad your life with. You feel like you made it and I get it. You're successful, you made money. Do your thing. Get yourself some nice things. There are a lot of people suffering out there that need help. Help them.
Speaker 1:I have like no money right now because I'm in so much debt for all the surgeries I've had. These surgeons just left me high and dry, just punting me off the next one and literally not very much money at all, like nothing. And I'm walking down the street. It's like two weeks ago this homeless guy is standing outside of this market here in Arizona and he was like asking people that obviously were getting all these nice cars that could give him some food or buy him like a slice of pizza. And everyone was like, no, I don't got money, man, and I didn't have money either. I'm like putting a lot of these credit cards right now and I go into the thing. I'm like, dude, I don't have any money right now either, brother, like I don't. And so I walked in to the market and I was going to get a slice of pizza that was like four bucks and I'm like I just could not in good conscience not buy this guy something. I don't have much room in my credit card. I had like a hundred bucks at the time on the credit card and just everything else is maxed out.
Speaker 1:And I'm being honest about this, because that's how the situation I'm in, with all these surgeries. I mean, I've been very financially responsible most of my life but this shit has really fucked me up. It's sucked out my entire life savings as a 35 year old. And I went in there and I bought there was a baguette. That was a huge baguette for like four bucks. That would probably feed the guy for the day. And I walked out and I'm like here, brother, like you know, I just said stay up and keep, keep doing the best you can, you know. And he said thank you, and that was it Right.
Speaker 1:And I didn't do that with the intention of even telling the story I didn't post about on social media because I didn't do it to like for people to be like oh, nico is such a good guy. It's just that's shit. I do all the time Like as much as I can. It doesn't mean I'm not in a bad mood sometimes and I like keep my head down sometimes because I'm in so much pain myself. But before I was in pain, I was always like thatabsorb and like check out because I'm in so much pain, my arm hurts so bad, like these guys chop my biceps, like my shit's different now, you know it just hurts. I can't even walk normally, like my arm swing is just not normal. So anyways, when I gave that guy that bread I was just like man. I wish more people that had more were doing this more often.
Speaker 1:You know, like what is it going to do to take out your retirement fund if you did like five bucks a day extra, instead of buying your $5 coffee at Starbucks or going to get your massage or your mani-pedi or whatever else you're doing? Not to say you shouldn't take care of yourself, you should. But if we cut back a little bit on that spending, maybe once a day just give someone some bread or some water or Gatorade. You know I'm not talking about just giving some money so that someone can go buy drugs or alcohol because they're having addiction to something, just like give somebody food or water. You know, like help them out. Or if you can get someone a job, you can get someone some work, get them some work. You know times are hard out there for a lot of us. So just take care of each other and do the best you can and don't give up. Don't give up on relationships, don't give up on yourself. You know. If someone needs help, guys like, listen to them and if you can offer help, like if you have expertise or if you have some sort of ability, step up. Be that person. Don't be like, ah, the next person will get it. Be that person. I appreciate y'all being here. If you want to come work with me one-on-one, I'm accepting clients right now.
Speaker 1:Wwwnicoborazacom Work with individuals, couples, family members as well two different family dynamics and I love working with folks. You know it's something that I'm very passionate about and obviously the results speak for themselves. I've been doing this for about four years now and you know, I mean I would say 98, 99% of the people that come work with me like they really do change their relationships and how they behave in their relationships, or they get to a point where they're really honest about stuff that they're in and they're like, hey, this isn't changing. I have to say goodbye to it. So one thing I will always be is as unbiased and as honest as possible with the people I work with, although I will hold space and be compassionate.
Speaker 1:Most of us just need someone to be really honest with us. It's not always like, we're not always the victim, we're not always the golden person and sometimes we got shit to own a lot of times. So if you want to get to work and you want to improve things, come on, come over and come work with me. My prices are extremely affordable and, like I said, love working with folks. So head over to wwwnico Barrazacom. Thank y'all for being here and I'll chat with you next time. Thank you so much for tuning in to Star of the Eagle, feed the Soul. Please leave us a five-star written review on Apple and Spotify podcasts. It's a free way you can give back to the show and show your support and, as always, if you want to work with me, one-on-one, head over to wwwnicoborazacom.