Starve the Ego Feed the Soul
Starve the Ego Feed the Soul
Mastering Communication: Building Authentic and Lasting Relationships
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Effective communication is essential for building healthy relationships, yet so many lack the tools to engage in meaningful dialogue. We explore the challenges of emotional dumping, assumptions, and the importance of reciprocal communication to promote understanding and growth.
• Discussing the notion of safe spaces in conversations
• Exploring the consequences of emotional dumping
• The importance of addressing assumptions in relationships
• Recognizing the role of self-awareness in communication
• Navigating effective communication with friends and family
• Mindfulness as a tool for conflict resolution
• Learning to improve communication skills during singlehood
• The significance of emotional intelligence in everyday interactions
• Reflecting on self-responsibility for relationship dynamics
• Understanding the need for vulnerability in honest dialogue
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Warmly,
Nico Barraza
@FeedTheSoulNB
www.nicobarraza.com
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Speaker 1:Good morning y'all. Welcome back to Start With the Ego. Feed the Soul. I'm your host, nico Barraza. It's good to be with you again, and we're in for a solo episode today.
Speaker 1:So I made a list of the top five to 10 things that have been discussed most recently on social media. In the realm of self-help relationships, therapy, what have you? Those sort of things within the container of a romantic relationship, but just in general, with how we resolve conflict, how we navigate conflict with other human beings we're working with on a day-to-day basis, but mostly people that are of high importance to us. I think things can be different when you obviously step into the professional setting versus personal setting, and they can both create, they can both present their own challenges, right? So, particularly, I want to offer strategies for effective communication, recognizing and addressing emotional dumping and resolving conflicts in various types of relationships.
Speaker 1:So let's start off with the obvious. Let's talk about romantic relationship first, and we'll get into family and maybe how you're resolving conflicts with your kids, depending on their age, and then we'll get into, like professional settings. So let's start off with the relational part of this. You know, oftentimes and we'll, we'll even span it out to where we're talking about initial dating and communication versus like long-term you've been married for multiple years, you know, you've been in a relationship for multiple years, right?
Speaker 1:So oftentimes, when we're initially in the dating phase, getting to know someone, we make a lot of assumptions. We make a lot of assumptions on what we think someone else means. We can and this happens throughout life and entirety of relationships, but it's even more prevalent in the beginning of relationships and we can often assume what someone's thinking or feeling without just asking right. And then, on the flip side of that, it is our equal responsibility to share openly, authentically, what we're feeling. But here's the problem with all of this right. We now live in a society where we are taught that because I share something or because I feel a certain way, the other person has to absorb it in totality, agree with it and also provide a safe space in a way that makes me feel validated for expressing it. And there's a handful of problems with that right.
Speaker 1:We can easily emotionally dump on someone because we're triggered, because we're angry, and maybe it involves them something. They said something, they did something, they didn't do, something they said they were going to do but didn't do, or maybe we're stressed out in other avenues of our life. Regardless, it's our job to communicate that right, and so let's say we communicate it in a way that we're unhappy, right. Well, you did this, you didn't do this, and so I'm really unhappy with you or I get angry, right? The problem with that is just because we're unhappy and we're pissed off at something does not mean we're in the right and we really need to take a step back and analyze that. Okay, we can often in unhealthy ways, in a myriad of unhealthy ways, dump all of our ways in a myriad of unhealthy ways. Dump all of our anger, all of our sadness onto another person and we expect that person to create space and safety and security for us to express that, and we're not doing our job of creating that security for them to be able to absorb it. Now, listen to what I'm saying, right, and really try to feel it.
Speaker 1:There's so many people on the internet therapists, self-help gurus whatever you want to call people, life coaches that are saying you know, we need to create safe spaces for people that are speaking to us, right, safe spaces, safe containers, people to be able to express themselves freely, and that's nice. I agree with that. The issue is that we rarely talk about the ability and the expression in a safe manner. Right, it's not okay just to dump toxicity, dump judgment, have these incredibly unfair expectations and just verbally and emotionally vomit onto someone. You need to get yourself to a point where you are also safe to communicate. That's fair. It doesn't matter if you're a man or a woman. We need to set aside gender discrepancies here. I disagree when someone's like, oh, a man needs to do this, woman needs to do this. This is ridiculous. There's legitimate differences, obviously, with how we handle things biologically, but when we're talking about emotional right, we should be safe spaces for each other, and that includes the person also delivering the communication.
Speaker 1:So a lot of times we're talking about well, you're not accepting my truth, I'm just expressing my truth. Well, what if you're expressing your truth in a really dysfunctional, tumultuous, attacking way? That's not fair. So, just because it's your truth, someone has to stand there and take it on the chin. No, no, no, no. That's not fair. It wouldn't be fair if it was the other way around. And so as the communicator versus the person that's listening, let's say the active listener we have to communicate in a way, even if we're triggered, even if we're hurt, in a way, even if we're triggered, even if we're hurt, in a way that's absorbable. Hey, you know, you didn't do this and it really hurt my feelings. And then the other person has a chance. Well, I actually didn't do that because you know I didn't, I couldn't afford it or, you know, I didn't have the energy that day and, and you know I had this, and maybe they have a completely legitimate explanation.
Speaker 1:And we need to be able to communicate and back and forth and absorb information as well as deliver it, and so many times we go into a situation where we so badly want to be heard that all we're focusing on is being heard and we're not communicating. If you're just focusing on communicating to be heard, you are not communicating. You are dictating, and dictation is not communication. Communication is a two-way thing. That's shared, right. It's a mutual form of exchange of information and absorption of information. Right, when we're dictating, we're just yelling or speaking at someone, not with someone, and so many of us want to be listened to. We really were hurting or we're angry, or we really need our partner to show up or this person that we've been on dates with to understand us.
Speaker 1:But we come into it already with a chip on our shoulder triggered, right, it's built up over time and oftentimes we can, like you know, hold stuff in and then it just comes out and just explodes, right, and that's not fair either. We have the responsibility to communicate often and openly, and there's a difference between open communication and nagging right, like if we're just complaining about the same shit over and over again and becoming like just nagging communicators. Perhaps it's just not the relationship for us, right? Or maybe that's just our default that we have to find something to complain about. We have to find something that's wrong because we're so used to negativity in our lives. Maybe that's how we were raised.
Speaker 1:I know I was raised in a very sort of self-critical environment and I can definitely be overly critical all the time and I have to be aware of that in relational containers, right. But also I need to understand where that criticism comes from. A lot of times it comes from insecurity, or because I don't feel secure in the setting I'm in, or I don't feel like this person is listening to me and it's not like it's their responsibility or my security. I have to provide that to myself and then communicate it in a way that's fair. And this brings me back to the main point of this first part of this discussion is it's not just about the listener creating a safe space for us in a safe environment. It's about us creating a safe space for them to be able to listen and absorb what we're saying right and if we say it in a compassionate, honest way, that's not attacking, that's not just assuming that we're right.
Speaker 1:Again, it's another thing we got to be really careful of. Everybody is when you're communicating, if you go into it already, assuming that, like, what you're feeling is a hundred percent what reality is. You're not open to any sort of pushback, any sort of differing of opinion from another person. And this is seen all over the political, social, ideological spectrums in today's day and age. Now, because I think something or I feel something, I am 100% right morally, ethically, it just makes so much sense to me. The other person is a moron or an idiot. They couldn't begin to understand what true logic is and it's unfortunate we've pigeonholed ourselves into thinking and feeling that way.
Speaker 1:I think we need to be a lot more open and receptive to each other and unfortunately you know, when you're in a situation where the other person just can't meet you in an area of discussion, that they just want to continue to victimize themselves or be oppressors and say that you know it's it gets this, it sucks, it gets. In this really sticky situation where it doesn't matter how good of a listener you are, it's never going to change, because this person just wants to be heard and right, so much that they're not going to be able to hold space for you. And you deserve to be able to speak your mind as well to you in a healthy way, right? Um, I think we fall into these giant pits that we create emotionally for ourselves, where maybe we're not getting what we want and we become like little toddlers and we start to throw a tantrum and that tantrum repeats itself over and over again, thinking we're going to get any different results communicated with you, that they can give X and that's what they can offer you, but you want Y and you keep holding Y over their person's head and I'm talking about variables here. You keep holding Y and they're saying I can't give you Y, I'm sorry, but I can give you X. If X isn't good enough for you, then you have to walk away from the friendship or relationship. Right, but you need to stop holding Y over someone's head when they've openly told you they're not interested in meeting you there or they're not interested in giving you that right. And this is what sort of blossoms into the concept of situationships where we have an unrealistic expectation of another human being and their role in our lives.
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Speaker 1:Start small, think big. Even if they've been honest, right, maybe we're like oh well, they'll come around eventually, or we'll keep dangling this carrot in front of our own hearts. And that's on us. That's on us as a human being, as an individual. And unfortunately, disney and rom-coms has really sold us this disingenuous form of reality. It's just not real. Real relationships are when both people choose to be in them, not because fate is out there and one person works hard enough and the other person realizes oh, my God, this is such a great catch, it's been right in front of my nose. It's either both feet are in or they're not, and so I think that conflict resolution in the container of relationships also applies to situationships. It's all sort of processed in the same way, right?
Speaker 1:It's a really difficult thing to advise on without context of a specific situation, because, you know, so many of us were like, well, I'm just speaking my truth. Well, what if you're using your truth to hurt somebody else? Right? Because what if you say the same truth over and over again? But you're just causing problems, and we can often use that idea of truth-telling as a spear to sling across at another human being, and that's just not fair, right? Like, we're not always going to get our way, nor should we. And so if we are speaking our truth just with the intention of getting our way, or of someone just giving us what we want, that's not what our truth is designed to do. Our truth is merely designed to explain to us why we're feeling a certain way, right? That doesn't mean that other people's truth will align with our own, whether it's a friendship or a relationship or a dating phase.
Speaker 1:When two people's truths align, that's wonderful. It means you've communicated, or sometimes you just get lucky and it aligns, but it takes a lot of communication, understanding and putting your ego aside and putting your triggers aside and being like I love this person, I want the best for them, whether that's with me or not. Let's communicate, let's find a way forward. I think that's why so many people end up throwing away love and connection, even if a relationship isn't there, because they get so hurt I can't have this person, so then they can't have anything of me at all, and that's really unfortunate. I would like to think that we are better than that. As a species, we can see people's value, even if they don't want to be with us relationally or sexually, or maybe we have some deal breakers that they're not interested in, but they still want us in their lives, or vice versa. I would like to think we have the emotional capacity, or can build the emotional capacity, to understand that having good human beings in your life that love you, whether it's relationally, through a marriage or through a friendship, is worth its weight in gold, literally the two things that are going to be your prized possessions as you age and when you get close to death and all of us die. If you're listening to this right now. You will die eventually. Think about that and remember what I'm saying. The two things that are most important to you will be time and will be relationships.
Speaker 1:Not all of us have the best family dynamics. We weren't born into them, but we get to build our family over time. It's the beauty of being an adult you don't have to say yes to anyone that's unhealthy for you, even if they're your blood. Blood is relatives, right, it can be related to someone by blood, but that doesn't mean it's your family. Your family is built, just like relationships, over time, through communication, through honesty, through the acceptance of honesty.
Speaker 1:We so seldomly talk about the acceptance of truth. Right, we're like, oh, I want to be able to tell the truth, I want someone to be honest with me. Well, you also have to be able to accept the truth and stop fighting against it, because that's a big issue. We want the truth so bad. But what if the truth isn't what we want to hear? Well, all of a sudden, then we don't want the truth. That's not fair, right? That's not an adult, that's not an emotionally intelligent way to exist. So I just went over communication, but also creating a safe space as a communicator, not just as a listener, right. And then we've talked about on the show a lot, listening to understand versus listening to respond. That's a common thread that a lot of people talk about. But let's, let's now talk about, like, navigating singlehood and becoming a better communicator while you're single.
Speaker 1:So a lot of times we can get in our sort of monotonous day-to-day life where we're feeling pretty good by ourselves because we we have our, our, um, our daily routine, whatever, whether it's a work from home or we go to work, and we go and work out and go to these things, go to yoga, do all these things right. We have this set day and we can feel like we're getting better because we're reading self-help books, we're going to therapy, we're doing all these things that I guess in essence should be right, helping us grow, but we forget that, like you, don't get better at anything in life without doing the actual thing. So, like we could have gone through separation years ago and we went through this huge period of going to therapy and quote, unquote, healing, and reading all these self-help books and listening to a podcast like this or all these other shows that are out there and we, in theory, have gotten better. But then it really takes the application of that and you can't really apply until you start to go on dates and start to relate to other people and maybe even get in a real relationship again. And so, as you're single, how do you best improve your communication skills? And I think it's really about continuously looking for ways in your day-to-day life in which you tend to shut down or tend to have unrealistic expectations, right, how do you communicate with your coworkers? How do you handle being pissed off? How do you handle when someone's short with you? Right? How do you respond when, when you're having a bad day, when you're overwhelmed? Right, how does your communication change then? You know, how does your internal communication change then? And so if we use all these little sort of things, even like a person at the store or the gas station that's short with us, or someone cuts you off while they're driving all these little day-to-day interactions and it's not about being some peaceful, buddhistic, floating spiritual figure, it's just about noting, it's about building the mindfulness, the internal mindfulness, that is showing us how we're showing up in day-to-day life and day-to-day moments, because that directly is going to translate.
Speaker 1:When you do get in a relationship, you're able to first look at yourself and how you're responding. Is it fair? Is what you're feeling legitimately fair? Are what you're feeling like legitimately fair? Are you overreacting? Are you being completely unfair? Are your requirements, your expectations, egregious, right? Can no one meet these? Are you just putting way too much pressure or are you like assuming that your feelings are the only valid feelings in the, in the, the, the space you're communicating in, right? And so, when we build up this mindfulness in our day-to-day life, that's something we can take over, that's tangible, into a dating setting, into a relationship setting. Okay. So it's important that we really understand that that communication and conflict resolution is an internal thing first, and that allows us to get better at it externally. So how we communicate and hold space for ourselves and allow more space between the trigger and the response or the reaction, for instance, we can use trigger and reaction interchangeably, because it's almost like the, the ego just boom.
Speaker 1:This is exactly what I want to spit out. You said something. I want to hit you back with it. Right Versus what? Take a second, wait a minute. Let's feel, let's think, let's understand right what we're feeling, why we're feeling it. Let's not just assume every single thought and feeling that's running through us is correct. And then let's respond, not react. Okay, and of course this is easy to say when you're calm and you're chill, right, not a big problem, but it's something to be to work on.
Speaker 1:When you're really stressed, when you're pissed off, when you begin these situations that only, like the closest people to us or spouses or partners, boyfriend, girlfriend, our kids really get exposed to, because that's the, those are the people who feel safest around to kind of just lash out and really usually become, you know, sort of the punching bags because of all the stuff that comes up in life and and it can manifest in a lot of different ways, right, the way we show up and the way we communicate. But we have to get better at it. And you can read healthy communication, conflict resolution books I mean shit, the you know dance of anger. Dr Harriet Lerner wrote all these different books that talk about you know how we do stuff and why. But ultimately it's a really simple process of observing yourself and understanding like your reaction, taking space and then really focusing on your response, right, and trying to slow your sort of egotistical, reactionary monkey mind brain down and be more mindful of everything you're doing and why you're doing it and become better at responding thoughtfully. So that's what I wanted to leave with you today and just something to think about over the week.
Speaker 1:I just want to leave with you today and just something to think about over the week and try to get better at making mental notes, if you can right. Like, how am I responding to the situation, whether it's with a coworker, whether it's I'm on a date, right? You know, it's not about being perfect everybody. It's just about understanding yourself better, right? If we keep looking to other people to understand ourselves better, we're just not going to improve as much as we could be. You know, chances are a lot of the communication breakdowns in your past relationships, in your past marriage, your current marriage, your current relationships are just as equally responsible, or you're just as equally responsible for is the other person, and if you can focus on your side and being a better communicator, it probably will improve.
Speaker 1:That's not to say that someone else doesn't have to meet you, that they do. So if someone really isn't working on their side of things, and sometimes the best answer is to move on because you should want someone that's meeting you there. I know, I know I do right. It's okay to disagree, but it's not okay to cry and whine like a baby when we're not getting our way. That's just not how adult life works, right? So if someone's giving you their truth and it's not something you want to hear, that's okay. You don't have to want to hear it. But because you've asked someone to be truthful for you, you're still going to need to hear it. But because you've asked someone to be truthful for you, you're still going to need to hear it and you have to be okay with it. We have to be okay with the truths of others, particularly when it's not what we want to hear. I'm going to leave you with that and I hope to see you here next week. And again, I'm so glad that you're a follower of the show that you're here working on yourself with me. I have great reverence for everyone that listens to the show and really wants to just be better. I know I do. That's why I'm here.
Speaker 1:If you haven't left Star of the Ego a five-star written review, I just messed that whole thing up, sorry. If you haven't left Starve the Ego, feed the Soul a five-star written review on Apple and Spotify podcasts, please do so. It helps me out a ton. So whatever you're listening to right now, on whatever platform, whether it's Apple or Spotify, please just find out where to leave a review five stars. Write a little synopsis of what maybe stuck with you on the show today and, if you don't mind, share this episode, share other episodes that have connected with you.
Speaker 1:I mean, we started the show in late 2020. Our first episode launched, I believe, in 2021. So it's basically been four years now. So there's tons of great episodes in there. Like dig through them. I encourage you to dig through. Dig through all the ones from from way back when there's some great, incredible interviews and I'll see you here for the next show. Thank you so much for tuning in to Star of the Ego, feed the Soul. Please leave us a five-star written review on Apple and Spotify podcast. It's a free way you can give back the show and show your support. And, as always, if you want to work with me one-on-one, head over to wwwnicomirazacom.